Today was Christmas Eve. The weather seemed to know better how to add a romantic aroma by switching its unusual winter mood to a glorious sunny day. After waking up, Hong was mesmerised by the soft, glowing sunbeam through the blinds, instantly drifting into the past…

She was not religious; Christmas only meant being together when Timmy was around. She was not sad when thinking of him, as she knew he would miss her on this special day. Christmas Eve from morning to evening was delightful when he was there…

It was a gorgeous day. Hong needed to drive to the town to collect the candle holder she ordered for the special dinner in a few days. On the way to John Lewis, walking amongst the warmth of the lovely sunlight, she felt as if it brought her into her private land, where she would meet Ri… She couldn’t help but smile; suddenly, she felt so odd to smile in the middle of the street amongst the crowds. She put her head down, still immersed in her daydream that she ignored the street musician’s vocal music in Caribbean-style festivity.

Looking at the reflection from the window, Hong noticed she was still wearing the red scarf Timmy gave her as a Christmas present. It’s the bright red, which she dared not wear before. This morning, she suddenly had the gush of the impulse to put it on; perhaps she was missing him. She didn’t want her mind occupied by him for too long; several minutes were enough. Suddenly, one drop of tear slid down; she felt it quite cold in this winter air. In those unpredictable times, she would miss her beloved sister, who left for the heavenly abode before Hong had a chance to say goodbye. Since then, there has been a constant void in her heart. She was addicted to the feeling of being sorrowful, perhaps? She asked herself. The answer was no. However, she liked letting her heart drenched in sadness when alone, which probably meant she shouldn’t be with anyone. She found it comforting not to have to please anyone when the missing-sister moment was indicated. The unpredictable period of when such a triggering sorrow would occur was perhaps the cause of why she and Timmy became apart three years ago. 

It’s a tradition: a walk on Christmas Day is a must thing to do. Hong was so fond of occupying a promenade with him whilst letting her hand, holding his, resting in his big pocket. Three incoming people held hands while she walked along the riverside, with the lady in the middle. Along each side of her, it was a teenage boy and her husband. Hong suddenly felt her body soaked in loneliness. But she didn’t cry; perhaps she didn’t miss Timmy that much. After the walk along the river from one bridge to the second one, Hong didn’t want to continue, especially when he was lingering in her mind. It was around 3 pm; the skylight was almost enchanting with the remaining glory from the sunset before dusk; she adored driving at this time with the hills faded behind her car. And she needed to prepare everything for the approaching rendezvous with her far-away mystery, her soulmate Ri, who revived her dying heart after her sister’s death nine years ago.

It is almost exciting to find someone who is virtually her shadow in terms of appreciation for authenticity, music, and intelligence. Searching for a so-called soulmate is genuinely not easy when romance can be snapped without so much of a thought, or perhaps it is on the same path. Wandering unpredictably is almost as thrilling as when she found her first love. There was no end, yet it could stop anytime. On this path, how lucky it was not to have the soul lost…

It felt strange to realise that she was suddenly not being understood by Ri as she thought he could. There was no right or wrong side when two almost-soulmates debated. However, all human beings are different in critical thinking. The heated argument would invariably provoke the feeling of the weak one, who then decided to retrieve from the newly conceived romance. It sounded insane to abandon the accumulated affections built with so much care trying to win the heart of the other. Its aftermath would leave a trail of regrets. Oh! the pity of the wasted affection! More valuable than a diamond.

Looking into the mirror, it is possible to fix the small default to make you look perfect. However, when being on the romantic path of falling in love with your soul mate, it is tricky to consider moving on when the affection is frozen. Single-minded attachment is pointless and beyond the original meaning that the connection is from the mutual side. Here, the critical point is luck, regardless of how aching or agony the heart must suffer. Thinking through, one may find happiness after this setback. Yet, life is unpredictable; One can only master her own precious affections. Even if it fails, at least one would not regret it. This time, Hong felt lucky that her head overcame the heart; her uncontrollable anger was forced to surrender to the heart's sorrows. 

To or not to end is just a decision in a blink of an eye, but the pain will linger for days, weeks… The discomfort of thinking of wasting so much time in building affection is almost beyond being measured. Why would the romance be started if it would be ended? It is best to save it. And it worked; even the pain lingers. Still, with a slightly aching heart, it is just fantastic, despite one must give up some proportions of pride. Yet, it’s worth it, with luck. 

People always say home is where the two hearts are connected. Whilst travelling alone, Hong discovered this enchanting spot, a bench, a lamp post, amongst the trees, overlooking the river, next to the palace wall. She imagined she was sitting there with Ri, soaked in love. She sent him the picture of the spot, and he immediately agreed with her. Whether the place looks romantic or lonely depends on how you interpret it… Hong was there whilst Ri was not, walking past by, spotted the beauty of it; for a second, her heart stayed there with his… And she was so glad he was thinking of the same. 

Then he bought the flight ticket, determined to come to meet her. She was waiting for him upon Arrival at the airport and trying to picture what he looked like. They had been chatting sweetly for almost two months; she felt ecstatic and nervous before he appeared in front of her. She felt shy without any reason until he walked next to her. Her heart was beating so fast when he hugged her. She pretended she was very calm and led the way towards the exit. Then he pulled her close and wrapped his coat around her. She rested her head against his chest, with her arms around his waist, feeling love in the air, overflowing…

It was the second day after he returned to his home in another country, and the remaining candle, the leftover wine, and his coffee cup were still on the dining table. Hong ignored them when walking past the table. She couldn’t bear to touch them, as if everything, including her heart, was so empty that she was too weak to grasp anything from the table. Only three days ago, he was sitting beside her, holding her hand, smiling at her, chatting away, and pausing their chat to kiss her when looking into her eyes…

It felt like a dream to her; he came and left. As if he delivered a trap for her, the more she struggled to get out, the harder she sank in… She felt scared, as she wasn’t ready to be trapped. She wanted to be out as she feared that the longer she stayed in, the less she would love herself. Sitting on the chair he sat on, she could still remember his smiles even after closing her eyes. She felt her heart torn. In or out, she couldn’t decide. Eventually, she was in the mood to let it go; whatever happens, she’ll take it. Most endings in such stories tend to veer towards sadness; she now understands why the full moon only appears for a few days in a month. She sighed, wondering what the best ending for her was… 

It’s been a week since they met. It’s like treading on the iced river when she was dying to know his intention. It’s sad to be apart after being together. She did know how to react to the pain, which reminded her of the hopeless feeling of being unable to find her sister again. She wanted to run away from him. The weather turned out to be nicer today after raining for a week. Hong loved staring at the blue sky outside the window while sitting in her office. There’s no cloud at all but endless blue. She sighed as her heart felt nothing; at least the annoying aching feeling disappeared. When she closed her eyes, Ri appeared, in the darkness, smiling, walking towards her. She wasn’t attempted, as she couldn’t feel her own heart, as if she was heartless. This saddened her and made her want to sob.

She opened her eyes; the sky above was still blue, and a beam of sunlight painted the part of the red brick wall with golden glory, making such an obvious contrast with the hard cold surface below the bottom line of the sunny-looking wall. She wondered how long would the warmth linger on those lucky bricks. She also thought about the thing she was after. What was it that she was chasing really? Her true love or something to fill the void of her heart? She was too exhausted to think. Perhaps having no heart was the best option…