I Searched for You
I searched for you, though not well
In my youth and naïveté
Some vague idea but could not tell
What I hoped to find some day.
I searched in vain, but could not find
As the course of my youth did run.
A blithe spirit to make mine
With love of forest and the gun.
In Alberta Clippers, heavy snow
I searched in mountains and in rain.
In swamps, which only hunters know
I sought you, though in vain.
A Consort to woo and win
To share my love and life.
A lover, companion, soul mate, friend,
My children’s Mother and a wife.
The sea a jealous mistress be,
Was for me a time to know.
Her many moods each day to see,
Fair winds or storms that blow.
I Searched for You – II
The Southern Cross still beckons me
And the “Pillars of Hercules” I know
These old and vivid memories be
Of a time so long ago.
It was then I saw you in the ocean’s foam
In storms that racked my soul.
When I stood watch and dreamed of home
You, held at bay the creeping cold.
I searched through mundane toils
And the million trials of life.
I knew the failures and the spoils
Through joy and bitter strife.
These mattered not if we had shared
A life of passioned grace.
I knew your spirit, heart and soul
But never saw your face.
My whole life I sought you in its maze,
And it is, alas, my curs’ed fate
To find you in my autumn days
Born so many years too late.
I Wait
I see the open door of death that calls me on.
With twilight fading o’er the sirens seductive song.
Youth that does not last has fled so far away.
The time went by so fast. Gone, children who did not stay.
Gone, even grandchildren, I wait for death today.
My Firstborn
My child, fair haired child, I laughed with you today.
Your sparkling eyes and glowing cheeks are indeed the buds of May.
I am surprised at the wealth of your love in which I delight.
Childhood’s cup will soon pass and take this image from my sight.
In you I saw my hopes and dreams personified my child
And passing days remind me that this is only for a while.
Run and play fair haired child, enjoy this time
That I might have these memories, forever to be mine.
My Lost Child
Sometimes at night I think, I hear you crying,
But, I know it’s my imagination, or only the wind sighing.
We were your hope of life, your only chance to be,
And decided without compassion, with eyes too blind to see.
We didn’t want you and almost casually had you put to death.
Without you seeing light of day, or having breathed a breath.
It is with a heavy, heavy heart that I remember that you had to die.
Are you in heaven or were you born to others more worthy than I?
Precious child, known only to God, we never saw your birth,
Only now, regretfully remembering, do I truly know your worth.
Unrequited Love
Her sparkling laughter gives her grace.
That longing eyes could ever meet,
And find that kindred lust must be discreet.
Searching, seeking to behold within her face
To find therein some secret place.
So passes the chance, these kisses sweet,
Against her skin. Oh, tender lips to meet
Mine, yet this I dare not entreat.
Imagined lover I wish in vain
To hold her through the night.
Thus ease this gnawing, burning pain
And fulfill my soul’s delight.
Sadly, the fleeting moment will not come again.
So from afar, I watch this star glowing bright.
Alone
This night I search myself to find
My existence ruled more with heart than mind.
My mind’s logic with which I would erase
From my heart your memory and leave no trace.
Though for love many would grant me favor
Are nameless shadows compared to that I savor.
Grief, that of my soul’s dreams did plunder
And as dust in time, trampled them asunder.
Logic alone this sober heart will not cheer.
Nor dim the love within that shines so clear.
My heart that once knew such boundless joy,
Time or space this love could not destroy.
The sweet precious love that I have known
Sustains me still though it be gone.
She’s gone, she’s gone I force myself to say
Still she grows dearer with each passing day.
This is indeed a weary weight to carry all alone.
Alone, alone, Oh my God, so alone.
Comes the Pale Horse
Shining, black plumed, in the starless night
Onward, onward comes the pale horse.
Mounted the Reaper onward flies
A beckoning, cheerless, chilling sight.
He comes with no remorse
Scythe gleaming and empty eyes.
To snatch me from my lovers reach
That I too might take this ride
And feel the creeping, frightening cold.
My pleas implore, beg, beseech
Not to be taken to his side
Enshrouded with his arms enfold.
Silent, soundless hoof beats pound
Slow motion, rushing ever onward still.
Rooted by terror I cannot flee.
The scream is mine, primeval sound,
Escapes my mouth against my will.
Shades of death have covered me.
First Thoughts at Morning
Faint yellow hues creep carefully into this darkened room
And probe mercilessly at these sleep laden eyes.
Stirring sounds of dawning do not dispel the gloom
That hangs heavy about me and all but denies
The effort to arise and face another day alone.
This love, I knew, would not be an easy test
Of my patience yet I must give my all.
For in that it might be the very best.
Oh, that she could hear my hearts wistful call
Crying out mournfully to God she isn’t gone.
Lament
Oh life, why do you descend upon me with such ferocity
After lulling me mesmerized with a taste of joyful days?
While conspiring for my very being with morbid curiosity
With the ardent fervor of your hypocrisy, why snatch my love away?
I am dazed without purpose or reason to carry on,
Stripped of all things dear to me.
As a grandiose ruler deposed of his throne
And cast out a destitute pauper for all the world to see.
In other days I could smile with my dearest at my side
Meeting all adversity with strength heaven sent.
Without my love my spirit is recluse and seeks a place to hide,
To retire to gloomy shadows to sing my sad, sweet lament.
Wail, Banshee, wail. Oh hideous thing; in my despair you delight.
The Devil’s handmaiden, macabre, ghastly creature, so forlorn,
Decaying relique, your presence has no terror tonight.
For having lost my precious love I only pity your mournful scorn.
Loneliness, indeed a melancholy Mistress, with which I share my wine.
Wakeful agony, as the werewolf prowls when the Mandrake blooms.
Sorrows as the nightshades deadly garlands adorn my shrine.
Breathing eternal, silent requiems melodic, haunting tunes.
Love’s Dream Recompense
Oh, beauteous, joyful day divine!
Her words echo in this tomb of endless time.
She has come to tell me of her love
Dispelled all solemn, dejected and sad resolve,
Of grievous loss, the sorrow bore
Most precious treasure of my heart evermore.
Awake my being as life calls of jubilee.
My heart leapt a thousand valleys that all may see.
All things are beautiful and just perhaps a dream.
Joyous, wonderful. Love as I but beam.
Sweet November morning as the sun shines warm.
Radiant, visionary, full of bliss I fear no harm.
Solemn mourning that has known this heart
And held this foster child of love apart.
She comes to me, Oh glorious day divine
Only now allow myself to say she’s mine.
New birth from sleep, my soul rising still
And my head overflows with bliss to fill.
Love’s Dream Recompense II
I dare to trust my dreams of past,
Soundlessly my silent heart strings are cast
Let this fool of loves power come
Into the light of day from the dismal tomb.
Grief and self-pity are cast away beguiled,
And misery, disdain retreats from her smile.
We taste the cup of love again as one,
And count the minutes apart that keep us alone.
Childlike bliss resounds within my heart
And tears of joy her name can start
Fate, filling my life while she can.
Splendid dreams, illusions of this creature man.
Each day adorns itself with the coming spring
And hear cheerful gladness of birds that sing.
Envisioned dreams of perpetual bliss, see only joy,
Growing love to perish not, naught could destroy.
Immortal, our souls, basking upon life’s shore
Blessed with a childlike benediction evermore.
Love’s Dream Recompense III
With lengthening days we laugh as children at play,
While the tide of life quietly flows its way.
Ebb and flow still rising sea; sand castles meet their doom
Gazing seaward what my eyes beheld. gone so soon.
Neglect is the surf that these sand castles know
Left alone, succumb the relentless flow.
Senseless, inpatient brooding in the miracle I have sought
Has driven this humble head to contrive most unjust thought.
Vainly mistaken thought I, to humble her and prevail,
For a time with my thoughts retire, think I cannot fail.
I gave her but an empty longing, for another to fulfill,
And my folly left for all to see as a light upon a hill.
Loving
Unsteady half afraid with this woman, work of art
Beside me touching with her eyes, my heart
That leaps within my breast pounding
Hauntingly calling, ever sounding.
My life has only now to live,
And I, in this moment, would myself give
To passions splendor completely this night,
That Aphrodite be compelled at this sight
To descend from lofty Olympus and bestow
Fulfillment upon we lovers here below.
Whirling comets fill my tortured head
Void, where reason and calm have fled.
I, a willing sacrifice make to loves alter.
Engulfed in this dream, shall not falter
To building fury that longs to be fulfilled
Explodes in blind ecstasy my being is stilled.
Recluse
Though these dreams be no more than grains of sand
Dune to dune move endlessly never left to stand
Their desperate hope that endures if all else fails
As the whipping wind howls her mournful wail.
Stark, bare, devoid of life, only endless space.
My existence has compelled me to this place.
So to remember without distraction my lost love.
Day’s blistering hot tears so much the cost
To my heart. Still, silent nocturnes, bitter cold
By grief enshrouded as would darkness enfold.
Doomed a wandering Nomad build no dreams to last
Grudgingly accept my fate, is the die cast?
This is where I hide from all hurt and pain
To safely withdraw from powers that kill and maim.
Laughing my laughter but nor really, not all,
Crying but not all the tears that would fall.
A void left as this nameless empty space
Leaves its mark of loneliness upon my face.
Why do I continue with a faith so deep instilled?
Hoping in my dreams that miracles be fulfilled.
Could it be the will of heavens design?
To thwart my way to seek love’s joy divine
For me there are no answers to life’s rhyme
But only more questions with ever fleeting time.
Riddle
It is said that I am the substance of life
Born of nature, nurtured by time and strife
And save wanton destruction am almost ageless
What tales, that I would speak, could confess.
I am the intrepid sentinel whose duty is clear.
Defiant, erect to stand know not of fear,
Nor have I erred from this place of my birth.
With a mighty and fierce resolve cling to the earth,
My Mother. To the Sun, my Father, I reach
My highest and most supple fingers to beseech
The Rain, my sister. Unlike the Reed, my friend
Will cease to exist rather than yield to my Brother the wind.
Thoughts Composed On a Rainy Night in Bed
Thy bosom unstirred, this stranger man eons away,
Serene and clear, your face with dreams of yesterday.
Whither goes your spirit betwixt the dusty eventide,
Unto silvery crimson billows of east abide.
Oh, hither, come hither, into this heart of mine
That I might know of the blissful rainbows you find.
Many would possess this beauty for a time
This gentle, loving being that I would have as mine.
Your nearness with my arms enfold, blissfully to dream.
As the mystic glow engulfs us, a never ending ring.
Your mouth breaths sweet words, unsummoned, divine
To bear my inmost soul vulnerable, as thine.
Still of heaven, the rains embrace this mother earth,
And flowers in silent desire, find of dawn rebirth.
Softly following the road of evening, dreams and sleep,
Deep sleep, amid us, musing, our love to keep.
Thoughts of Remorse and Solitude
With the morning I awake in this my lonely room,
And my bed still holds traces of her perfume.
These cautious and meticulous moments frame
My being as malingering droplets cloud the window pane.
Forcing my wrecked image through illusion endure,
Silent shadows of mid-nights images still so clear.
Her fingerprints are on the glass in which we shared our wine,
And I in fitful recourse search my soul to find;
Through half-filled ashtrays, unkempt, doleful scene,
Newspapers, coffee cups and such on which the day has intervened;
Curse my fate, tormented agony, soundlessly scream.
Deafening silence; Oh to awake from this reality’s dream.
Life, passionless, wretched wench, see what you have wrought,
Stifled this wane, bedimmed mortal hopelessly distraught.
Your gnarled fingers of memory touch me with despair,
With all the small reminders that each day I see and hear.
Away, away you Demon spirit love, loose me, set me free.
Constant tormentor of my existence, let me be.
Thoughts II
Last night I prayed and wept and prayed again alone.
My hope is as the chaff of wheat, to the wind thrown.
Lengthened weariness, at last with my emotions forlorn.
In this living death my dismal shroud adorn.
Restless sleep, haunted by her face, precious sight.
Luminous mists surround her eddying in my night.
Were it not for this angel of sleep, my burden share
And banish for a time dismal incantations of care.
I sink to the depths of blackness in this untimely sea,
And would all but pass the shores of hades to set free
My soul, tired child, too soon grown old;
Searching, unfulfilled, knows not where to go.
This morning came quietly filled with hopeless pain
As I remembered these hours from before with disdain.
Soft, secret moments, in the stillness knew loves grace.
Enchantment within my arm, sleepy smile upon her face.
Her fragrance filled my head with love, this woman at my side,
But now my bed and life are empty, and a part of me has died.
Thoughts III
How long for love to die and quench this burning breast?
My Spirit dulled, mute, unimpassioned, may never more find rest.
As summer comes in splendor green to clothe this mother earth
I ponder the fate of my child that never knew its birth.
This dismal lengthened agony, embittered hope in vain.
Must indeed, be the wrath of God for the spirit I have slain.
I have made for myself this dungeon dark and bare
Fettered my being, by choice, of love that knew no care.
Each link of chain I have forged with memories of the years,
And set each bar with silent adoration and bitter, bitter tears.
Terrible and beautiful memory, whose sweetness was ravaged by strife
Await mine hour beloved, that death release me from these shackles of life.
Waiting
Days pass slowly as time and space are one,
To see you, touch your hand, to hold you near
Is joy to my being and would my heart cheer.
Like torrents and gales are followed by the sun,
I am captive of this web that love has spun.
Around me softly binding all that I hold dear,
Ever so gently with hope, trust and fear.
What manner is this caring once begun?
That tugs at this long indifferent heart?
The feelings shared were such a joy divine
Now left alone the tears will start
To hear your name or the thought that you were mine.
Once more I think of you in these days we are apart
And wish wherever you are our spirits could entwine.
Winter Sonnet 7
Wakeful, oppressed my mind, soul, fatigued of day.
Low, a vision to this restless bed has crept.
She has come quietly while I have slept.
Bewildered, I watch her vestments fall away.
And with uncertain notice close my eyes as if to pray.
Anchor of my heart this sober faith has kept,
But oft’ times in darkness wandering, I have wept.
Perchance of this mortal prayer will you but stay?
She comes touching in majesty, my soul at will
Breathless, drowning, engulfed in this eternal sea.
Love possessed of adoration, my being is fulfilled.
To heaven’s own realm my soul rises free.
Dream or blessed spirit, of tender joy rend me still
Yet with the coming dawn, these haunting memories flee.
Winter Sonnet 1
Why, having won Thee did I fair?
Of pride, hurt and passions past
And dreamt no more of love to last.
Could I have brought what wrong to bear
And abused this love while in my care?
So lightly took I this noble task
To make the mold and set the cast.
I thought in vain to force you near
And trust became fear within your soul.
This obsession drove love away
Our souls apart are not as whole.
My heart cries out for yesterday;
And this gnawing, clutching, wretched cold
Burns deep within my breast to stay.
Winter Sonnet #9
Drawing, ragged breath my pounding heart within
My logic overwhelmed, my reason lost.
Passion bursting forth no matter what the cost.
Our hearts beating as one, in cadence, akin;
Your touch, so soft, so warm caresses my skin.
You and I in the universe alone, are lost
With sounds, soft sounds, breathless sighs attend.
Sweet surrender, now lovers as well as friend.
Velvet clouds surround and fulfill the night,
Loves own light absorb, engulf and drown me all.
Your love, so pungent sweet, makes me Thy key
Of glowing, clutching, frenzied flight.
With screaming rockets rising, bursting, fall
And let sleep, as embers fading, set us free.
Winter Sonnet 13
The dreadful, heavy measure of pale silence tolls
Over mid-night’s sculptured gloom of hours stone still,
Where time waits not, of yearning hearts to be fulfilled.
Over the tomb of love, muffled sobs so cold,
Yet can love die, or know of age, lest grow old.
This infirmity, devouring me, dissolves my will.
In beautiful grief or sad rapture, with death cry shrill,
This Phantom awakens me touching my mortal soul,
With his selfish, chilling, eternal call.
My sleepless spirit has left this bed and of despair has gone,
To behold the depths of endless mists that fall.
Bewail this awful state I can only shriek and moan,
To have been so distraught before I cannot recall
And so retreat into this darkness and thus be all alone.
Winter Sonnet 19
This weary heart for loves sake each day
With deepest need of your sweet love
And in your presence stirs as a frightened dove.
Wishing for a lifetime your nearness brought to stay
Wrapped in bindings love and trust, never left to fray.
That God would grant that I could prove
And with such love leave none but choose
Except some high bound noble purpose cast it away.
The name in prayers shall be Thine.
To fill the yearning need that grasps this heart so strong.
Bitter grapes crushed by day cloud my nights with wine.
The dregs I drink to find my soul’s epiphany so wrong.
I await the light of dawn for some celestial sign
That some way this precious love may not be gone.
Winter Sonnet #22
Your precious face comes to me in quiet thought
Hauntingly beautiful with eyes that pierce my fortitude
And touch my soul in this celestial interlude.
That this heart for so long has sought.
Entombed by pain an eternity for naught,
Bloody, wounded and weakened yet not subdued.
Defiant that fate from my life not exclude
The hope for love that suffering has brought.
Tonight, my love your presence would be dear
That I your spirit could compel
To overcome this despair, distrust and fear
And these Demons from your life expel.
That your heart patiently draw near,
Therein, that love forever dwell.
Winter Sonnet #52
Your visions lingering sweetness softly still
Command, piercing sweet, passionless this heart
With shrieking, limpid tears that dare not start.
Bitter though the Hemlock, take I the cup, my fill
Shall none the less be lethal than love so shallow kill.
This soul betrayed, rejected, acts out its part.
What dreadful thing, so deep instilled within your heart
Dooms you lonely everlasting, though against your will.
Love absolute offered only your rejection knew
And thinking yourself unworthy, cast it all away.
Your eyes glistening lie awake damp as morning dew.
Isolate lonely darkness and fill your needs by day
And think of this lonely man wanting only you
But could never love a statue of cold and lifeless clay.
